My family has been going through alot the last few years. I needed to get some emotions out, so I wrote this poem/story stream of conciousness style until I finished. Please send some good thoughts our way.

Holiday Season 2005

Happy Holidays!

How was your Christmas they ask?

And I cringe inwardly.

It seems like my blood is acid in my veins, trying to break out of its fragile casing.  But I smile. 

'Good, Good... How was yours?'

Good does not involve taking Mom to the hospital Christmas day.  A 70 year old so frazzled by all the people visiting that she climbed up on a chair to get that one extra dish for that one extra person, and fell.  She didn't ask for help reaching. 

Her mother had died earlier in the year, and the holidays had hit her extra hard.  So did the floor.

So I took her to the emergency room.  My addict brother came along to talk to the doctors about some 'pain' he was having in his ribs that was keeping him from sleeping.  He was looking to score some Xanax.  I had to follow him around the whole time at the hospital, talking to each doctor and nurse he tried to con.

Good does not involve your brother going into seizures on the floor 3 days after Christmas in front of your nieces and nephew. 

Good does not involve following your brother's ambulance to the hospital.  Thank God my brother-in-law came with me.  I can't believe nobody else did.  What are my parents thinking?

Good does not involve your brother delusional right through New Year's Day.  His brain seems completely fried this time.

Happy New Year 2006 --- maybe it will be better.

2005, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

Holiday Season 2006

Happy Holidays!

How was your Christmas they ask?

And I cringe inwardly.

It seems like my blood is acid in my veins, trying to break out of its fragile casing.  But I smile. 

'Good, Good... How was yours?'

Good does not involve your mother crying over Christmas dinner, lamenting the loss of your brother who died of an overdose. 

Good does not involve looking at the newest blood work.  Dad's white blood cell count is through the roof.  His leukemia is advancing rapidly.

Good does not involve searching frantically for a new lawyer as executor of your brother's estate, because fate found it funny to send the old lawyer into the same drug spiral.

Happy New Year 2007 --- maybe it will be better.

2006, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

Holiday Season 2007

Happy Holidays!

How was your Christmas they ask?

And I cringe inwardly.

It seems like my blood is acid in my veins, trying to break out of its fragile casing.  But I smile. 

'Good, Good... How was yours?'

Good does not involve your father in the hospital.  Why are they taking his blood every 2 hours?  What are they tracking, and why isn't it stable?

"The doctor's say it's not the cold, " Dad adds, his voice shaking and uncertain for the first time in my memory. "It's the, uh, it's the ...  other thing."

He can't even bring himself to say the word.  His Leukemia is worse.

Good does not involve his inflated white blood cell count killing his good blood cells, preventing his body from getting oxygen. 

Good does not involve the doctor telling you he doesn't know what else they can do.  Maybe the hemopatholigist from Hopkins will have some ideas. 

Good does not involve your already anorexic mother failing to eat from the stress.  Her weight is now 68 pounds, and her heart may be breaking down from malnutrition.

God help me, I don't even know what the word 'Good' means anymore... but I know it doesn't mean this.

Happy New Year 2008 --- maybe it will be better.

2007, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

Holiday Season 2008

To be Determined.

For the love of God, PLEASE, let the next year be a good one.